The Hard Thing.

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Today I need to write about someone quite dear to me, someone who challenges me and someone who inspires me greatly. I write about her because tomorrow she will do the hard thing. She and her amazing husband will say goodbye to their darling boy and strong girl.

The hard thing in foster care is the reason most people would never consider parenting children in foster care. I know, because they tell me all of the time. My friend does not enjoy the hard thing, but she has not turned her back on her calling because of the heartache and grief she will experience.

Ciara, you have taught me so much on this adventure. Let’s see if I can stick with the top five.

1. Expect miracles. Your first foster daughter is now your goddaughter. Miracles happen despite all the horror stories. You and Logan are such a picture of GRACE. It takes GRACE to welcome a newborn into your life and to embrace her family as your own. What a beautiful thing to let God do His best work all because you said yes. What a beautiful family He is creating.

2. Be courageous. Let your heart love and embrace fully without reservation. They deserve it. We can recover. They are constantly recovering. Form strong bonds to give them strong hearts to weather strong storms. Don’t hold back.

3. Walk by faith, not by sight. We do not know the whole story. We do not know the beginning. We do not know the end. We know these numerous months that are a tapestry of long days and nights and somehow, a million milestones. We know our part. We trust it is enough. We trust the One who knows and sees all, the One who is timeless.

4. Empower them. You don’t feel sorry for them, you empower them. You taught me that a two year-old can blow her own nose. I pretended that this was a normal scenario since I am a pediatrician and am supposed to have all those tactics down, right? You know better. I have witnessed you empower your children to accomplish so much: controlling emotions, going to bed independently and making good choices. What a gift to give them confidence through these little tasks that you allow them to master. You are a genius at this and your children learn so much with your patient endurance.

5. There are more waiting. More babies. More toddlers. More siblings. More parents struggling. More miracles to come. More heartache to bear. Give yourself time to grieve and celebrate and then take another call. Say yes and feel your heart break and grow once again.

Tomorrow is the reason my friend does foster care.

Reunification. Redemption. Restoration. Reconciliation.

My friend is not afraid to grieve deeply for the victory of her children being reunited with their parents. She is so strong, because the One who called her is Strong and Faithful.

I pray He hold you and Logan close, dear Friend, as you do the hard thing tomorrow.

A letter to my sister on her wedding day…

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flowers

Dear Brooklyn:

As your older sister, I have spent your entire life trying to guide and protect you and possibly boss you around a bit along the way. So, today, on your wedding day, I will not stray from this self-appointed role. After twelve years of marriage, I want to share my best advice for you and your new husband. Scott and I are finally beginning to understand these truths in our lives. I can’t fit this on a Jenga block with the other advice and well wishes given, so here you go, sis.

As I anticipate the celebration today, my mind envisions a wedding of long ago. Jesus and his disciples were invited to a wedding in Cana of Galilee. When the hosts ran out of wine, someone who understood Jesus’ power, his mother, asked him to come to the rescue.

“His mother said to the servants, ‘Do whatever he tells you.’ Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons. Jesus said to the servants, ‘Fill the jars with water’; so they filled them to the brim. Then he told them, ‘Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.’ They did so, and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside and said, ‘Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now.'” – John 2:5-10

Beyond the miracle of turning water into wine, Jesus makes the “choice” wine. His wine is aged to perfection and it is abundant. As your sister, I cannot put into words how grateful I am that you and Derrick have “invited Jesus” to your wedding today also. Your faith in Him is a defining characteristic of your relationship. We know that the wine will be good!

My prayer for you and your new husband is that you invite Jesus into your marriage also, so that His miracles continue in your lives and in your new life together. He is a courteous guest and must be invited. I pray you invite Him into all aspects of your new union and He alone will make it into something exceptional.

Invite Him into your day early in the morning. Remember our grandfather in the 5:00 hour, with his Bible open and heart listening to God speaking. It’s no coincidence that whatever God sent him that day, he was faced to prepare it. Prepare yourselves also with the power of His Word.

Invite Him into your finances and you will always have enough money for the life He calls you to. He will provide in miraculous ways and help you to bless others abundantly.

Invite Him into your thoughts and your temptations to stray will be more easily averted. You will miraculously avoid the deceiver who wants to destroy what God is creating in your relationship. He can give you the best wine in intimacy with your husband.

Invite Him into your home and your attitude and actions will be more Christ-like. You will see the best in your husband, rather than the faults that naturally magnify over time. You will miraculously overlook the clothes on the floor and see the precious soul of your husband.

Invite Him into your heart and you will not live for yourself, but for Christ, who gave himself up for his bride, the Church. You will not make an idol of your husband and will not expect him to save you in any way. You will not become disillusioned when you realize your husband is not perfect, does not understand you or hurts you deeply. You will invite Him in and He will miraculously breathe life back into your marriage when the world around you would give up.

You see, He alone has power over the darkness that will try to invade your lives and your commitment today. Remember to invite Him in each day, for this darkness does not come swiftly and announce its presence, but ever so slowly, hoping to go unnoticed, working dellicately to gain a permanent residence in your home and your heart. Invite Him in so that there is no room for the deceiver to stay.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” – John 10:10

Today is a wonderful day, full of absolute celebration. We rejoice in the amazing man God has given you. We thank God and pray you enjoy a fantastic life together. The world will tell you to expect this bliss to remain; however, on this earth, expect trouble to find you. When these days come and sorrow seeks to consume you, you will have Him with you to hold you up. The Comforter will give you inexplainable peace amidst any trial and suffering. His power will be your strength and shield.

I love you so much and I am so thankful to have you to remind me of just how good God is.

Beth

Christmas Lament

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baby Jesus

I am not ready for it. I am not excited. I cannot fake it. I really could skip Christmas this year. As soon as I heard the songs on the radio and saw the pictures of trees lit up beautifully, I wanted to hit a fast forward button and get to January already. Enough. It’s not even the busyness, somehow I have avoided that pitfall (or so I tell myself). The truth is, I simply cannot allow myself to indulge in a blissful picturesque notion of this season. I cannot. I think too much.

I think about my friend who is a new widow and trying to decide when to go back to work, while she navigates her children’s emotions at every turn. I think about my friend who is in a hospital bed in her home, immobile for weeks due to a severe injury. I think about another friend who is driving back and forth to Houston for her husband’s cancer treatments, in hopes that he may have a few more months with them. The list goes on and on…we all have these lists and some would argue that the lists are the reasons to celebrate in the times we are able to. Perhaps, but I am just not there.

I find myself at the pinnacle of disdain for tinsel and reindeer and a song comes on the radio:  “O Come, O Come, Emmanuel”.

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

Emmanuel. He is Coming. We anticipate Him. We celebrate his Incarnation, the Word became flesh and dwelt among us (John 1:14). He came and He is coming again. Rejoice! Rejoice!

In Him, my heart can be real.

He sees all suffering. He experienced all suffering. He is the Answer.

He is Emmanuel, God with us.

As I lift up my precious ones in prayer, I will lean in to who He is and pray that the Prince of Peace comes to us.

For whom do we labor?

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For many weeks, the media has brought our attention to the ever controversial topic of “border control” and we have made a unified gasp at the thought of thousands of children crossing the border into our country and into the hands of opportunistic villains who would use them as slaves. It is unthinkable that human beings are so desperate in their environment of violence and poverty that they are risking everything to be in our country.  It is more unthinkable that they are children.

One situation that I encounter too often in my work breaks my heart each time it comes to light. Many of the babies I care for have siblings in other countries. Five, six, seven year-old children are left behind so that their parents can come to the United States and earn a better living and support their loved ones back home. These are good parents who love their children. They ask me the same questions about their new babies that other parents ask about. This is the choice they had to make, the only choice they see in front of them. In fact, many of the children “rushing the border” are children in desperate search of the parents who left years before. Heartbreaking. If you believe that “all men are created equal” and “are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights”, then this reality is unsettling. A simple solution does not exist for this crisis.

After celebrating Independence Day and singing our National Anthem at a few recent events, I take great pause and reflect on how little I truly understand my freedoms. My comfortable suburban self has no clue how lavishly I live in freedom. Do I appreciate that I can pray freely? Sure, maybe some public forums are not appropriate settings, but no one is stopping me from praying. We have a host of fantastic schools to send our children to, both the girls and the boys. I can speak freely as I write today. My vote is counted equal to a man’s vote in my community. There is a minimum wage that I must be payed as an American citizen. The list goes on and on and I absolutely take it all for granted.

We live in a country viewed as utopia by others, not because of “free healthcare” as many believe, but because one can actually earn a living without fear of horrific violence all around them. People risk their lives, abandon their children and sell all they have in desperation for the hope they see here. I have no concept of the desperation of their plight, I have not even known “poverty” in our wealthy nation.

When I look at the political agendas of many Christians in this country, I am greatly disturbed to see a vicious pursuit of ensuring personal liberties upheld: the right to carry a gun, the right to pray at a graduation, the right to have a monument of the Ten Commandments in front of the Oklahoma Capitol building. While I used to believe that we should defend our freedoms as well, I now feel our efforts are quite misguided. Is this the work we are called to? Do we really need to spend such time, money and energy on ourselves? What are we doing? Folks, we have it made.

What about our brothers who are desperate for work and truly have no freedoms among us? What of them? What of the countless women in our world and our nation who have no freedoms? When was the last time I used my freedom of religion to pray for these souls? When have I welcomed them to the table of grace I constantly feast upon? Did Christ defend himself or others? Why toil for a statue of the Ten Commandments? Those laws are to be upon our hearts, not in stone to perish and to divide us.

I do not propose a solution to this grave reality. I do not condemn those who fight for personal liberties to be upheld. I merely want us to collectively pause and consider what phenomenal liberties we have as Christians in the United States. First and foremost, the freedom in Christ Jesus, which is all sufficient, always, and is our only true hope, regardless of our nationality. Secondly, realize the everyday freedoms we enjoy that also came at a great cost and continue to be costly. When we consider such freedom amidst our global awareness of slavery and suffering and inequality, I ask, “What are we doing?”. Are we defending ourselves or serving the least of these among us?

I am reminded of Jesus’ teaching on the heart of the Law: to love the Lord your God with all of your heart, all of your mind and all of your strength and to love your neighbor as yourself. When a man asked, “Teacher, who is my neighbor?”, he told them the story of the good Samaritan:

“A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who stripped him and beat him and departed, leaving him half dead. Now by chance a priest was going down that road, and when he saw him he passed by on the other side. So likewise a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was, and when he saw him, he had compassion. He went to him and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he set him on his own animal and brought him to an inn and took care of him. And the next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, ‘Take care of him, and whatever more you spend, I will repay you when I come back. ’ Which of these three, do you think, proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell among the robbers?” He said, “The one who showed him mercy.” And Jesus said to him, “You go, and do likewise.”
– Luke 10:30-37

The esteemed priest and the Levite each looked away and passed by the severely injured man. The second rate Samaritan citizen did not. He had compassion and cared for the man. Who loved his neighbor? Let us not continue to look away from great suffering, but look to our Lord for answers to these most difficult circumstances. He is their only hope and He is our only hope as well.

“When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.”
– Matthew 9:36-38

We must reflect on our labor and whom we labor for. What a great harvest we shall miss if we continue to toil for ourselves.

His Wounds

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Image(image of Golgotha, “place of the skull”)

Several weeks ago in my Bible study, we were challenged to envision what Simon of Cyrene saw and felt as he was forced to carry Jesus’ cross outside the city:  “As the soldiers led him away, they seized Simon from Cyrene, who was on his way in from the country, and put the cross on him and made him carry it behind Jesus.” – Luke 23:26

Until now, I overlooked this recorded piece of history. It merely pointed to the significance of Jesus’ suffering before the crucifixion. I pondered Simon next to our Messiah, who had been flogged and beaten, and I believe he must have seen so much. Simon saw the fresh wounds deep into his human flesh. Have you ever seen the wounds of Christ? They are graphic. They are painful. They are undeserved. As I studied the crucifixion, God allowed me to see one such wound up close, much like Simon must have seen. And like Simon, I am not the same.

Starting out my day, I had different plans. Simon no doubt had other plans on his appointed morning as well. He had likely come into Jerusalem to celebrate the Passover.

Our social worker called and she needed a place for a sweet one for just a few days while things got “settled” in her current home. We had room and a fairly open schedule. Enter sweet brown-eyed toddler girl. When you meet little hearts who have no consistent person to call Mommy or Daddy, who care for younger siblings that are suddenly not there, you see wounds. They are undeserved. They are cruel. Horrific in fact. Seeing those wounds is a heavy burden to carry.

This was her first separation from family, from her many younger and older siblings. She was two! She was old enough to know how wrong this was, yet too young to hear any decent explanation. When you realize that despite your good intentions, you are responsible for the wounds, the burden can be overwhelming. I was an active participant in her trauma as I woke her up from her nap so that a new social worker could take her to yet another home. Away from the place she had dared trust me to care for her. I had no comforting words, nothing about it made any sense. It all happened so fast, As she drove away screaming, I felt sick that I could do nothing to comfort her, to protect her.

I doubt Simon comforted our Lord as well. He was thrust into an unknown, hasty moment of graphic pain. He simply did his job in picking up the cross and carrying it alongside the Perfect Lamb. He was not called to save Jesus from his suffering, he was called to carry the cross. For me, this is the most difficult part of being a foster parent. I truly would love to “save” children from their desperate situations and unthinkable environments. Sometimes, we are just called to carry a cross up a hill and we are done. We are helpless to save. We have a front row seat to the suffering of the innocent and we even catch glimpses of the wounds we inflict. It was nauseating to participate in such wound making.

Much like Christ, her innocence is overwhelming and her wounds heartbreaking. On that hill to Golgotha, the pain had only begun for our Messiah. Those wounds were a small part of the suffering that was to come in his brutal crucifixion. My glimpse of her wounds is nothing compared to those of the more than 5,000 children in foster care in my state alone.

However, I hear a Gentle Spirit remind me that God’s story does not end at Golgotha and His story does not end in my driveway. His story is one of Hope and Redemption. He is the Resurrected God and His power is more than sufficient in my weakness. I will continue to trust in Him alone, for He loves her more than I ever could. His love kept Him on a Roman cross for her.

The Passover Lamb of God

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“Early in the morning, all the chief priests and the elders of the people came to the decision to put Jesus to death. They bound him, led him away and handed him over to Pilate the governor.” – Matthew 27:1-2

Upon first glance, one might think that Jesus was caught, that he was weak, that he was strong-armed into death. Why would the Son of the Most High God suffer so greatly? In the words of his captors, “He saved others, but he can’t save himself”. Ironically, his suffering indeed saves others and the cost of salvation was his submission to death on a cross. He tells us in the Sermon on the Mount that he has not come to abolish the Law or the Prophets, but to fulfill them. During Jesus’ three year ministry, he increasingly pointed toward His cross as that fulfillment.

“Now as Jesus was going up to Jerusalem, he took the twelve disciples aside and said to them, ‘We are going up to Jerusalem, and the Son of Man will be betrayed to the chief priests and the teachers of the law. They will condemn him to death and will turn him over to the Gentiles to be mocked and flogged and crucified. On the third day, he will be raised to life.” – Matthew 20:17-19

Jesus knew. He knew details. The religious leaders thought they had caught him, but truly he gave himself up as the final Passover Lamb. God is sovereign. Jesus knew. He knew Mary’s lavish gift was preparation for his burial. He knew his betrayer’s heart.  He knew to prepare His disciples with the Last Supper. He knew to fortify himself with prayer to His Father in the garden.  He knew.  He knew Scripture:

“He grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground.  He had no beauty of majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.  He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.  Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.  Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted.  But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities;  the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.  We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way;  and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all.  He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth;  he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth.  By oppression and judgment he was taken away.  And who can speak of his descendants?  For he was cut off from the land of the living;  for the transgression of my people he was stricken.  He was assigned a grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death, although he had done no violence, nor was any deceit in him mouth.  Yet it was the LORD’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the LORD makes his life a guilt offering, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.  After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied;  by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities.  Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, and he will divide the spoils with the strong, because he poured out his life unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors.  For he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.” – Isaiah 53

Jesus knew the details, they were well recorded in the Ancient Texts.  Perhaps he considered the twenty-second Psalm of David as he entered Gethsemane:

 “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?…But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by men and despised by the people.  All who see me mock me; they hurl insults, shaking their heads: ‘He trusts in the LORD; let the LORD rescue him.’…I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint…Dogs have surrounded me; a band of evil men has encircled me, they have pierced my hands and my feet.  I can count all my bones; people stare and gloat over me.  They divide my garments among them and cast lots for my clothing.”

Jesus knew the devastating details, yet proceeded in love. At his arrest, Jesus halts Peter’s battle plan with a miraculous healing of the servant of the high priest. He tells Peter, “Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels? But how then would the Scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen in this way?”

Jesus was in control of his betrayal, arrest, trials and crucifixion. In fact, he knew the exact scripture to quote in his response to the high priest’s charge that he is indeed, the Christ, the Son of God: “‘In the future you will see the Son of Man sitting at the right hand of the Mighty One and coming on the clouds of heaven.'” This statement was blasphemy to his captors, who were unable to see this man as their King.  It was his death sentence.

Full humiliation.  Complete loneliness.  Excruciating pain.  Our Lord embraced it for you and me.  He was not caught.  He was willing.  For He knew suffering and death was not the end of the story.  He knew the eternal story.

Jesus loved them

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Image“People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them.  When Jesus saw this, he was indignant.  He said to them, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.'” – Mark 10:13-16

 

This passage brings to mind politicians being photographed with babies at fundraisers and public events.  They are heartwarming, but the question of an ulterior motive is always at hand.  In contrast, Jesus disregarded others’ approval and welcomed the children who were considered by their society to be insignificant.

Tomorrow morning, my commission is to teach three and four year old children that Jesus wants to bless them, that he loves them and that he values them.  With Valentine’s Day approaching, the concept of love is in construction paper hearts everywhere.  Love is fun this time of year.  Jesus did indeed love and bless the children when he walked on earth and I believe he is present with each child today.

As I plan an hour with these three and four year old hearts, I ponder the humanity and deity of our Lord Jesus who loves them.  How can I possibly convey the depth of such love?

– a love that made them in his image

– a love that was prophesied from the beginning of time

– a love that left the throne of God to be born amidst severe Roman oppression

– a love that endured forty days and nights of temptation and hunger, that he may know every temptation their heart will one day face and be their Helper

– a love that notices them and seeks them out when the world will betray and forget them

– a love that suffered and endured a brutal Roman crucifixion so that they may be reconciled to God

– a love that will dwell within them

– a love that is unending and never fails

– a love that will convict them to take up their cross and follow him

My heart can hardly comprehend the depth of this love.  For tomorrow, the focus may bend toward construction paper hearts, but I pray that a seed is planted in their souls of our Redeemer’s great love for them.

The well-meaning disciples wanted to overlook the children of their day.  I must ask myself:

Who am I keeping away from my Messiah? 

Who do I hinder? 

Who do I consider to be insignificant?

The Bright Morning Star – part one

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– the first of a three-part segment reflecting on the visit of the Magi

In reading Matthew’s account of the birth of Jesus, we are told about the Magi, who came “from the east” to Jerusalem. The Magi were likely astronomers from Persia and they are often referred to as wise men who spent their lives learning. They were not Jews, yet they sought out him born king of the Jews. Somehow, God had revealed a piece of his divine plan to them. I often wonder at the “somehow”. The star. For astronomers, a star was meaningful. God revealed himself in a language that spoke to them. I glean much hope from this piece of history. God reveals himself in personal ways and once He does, ideas, beliefs, goals, dreams, thoughts…they all change.

One of my favorite modern-day thinkers is Francis Collins, the director of the National Institutes of Health and the individual who led the Human Genome Project. In his book, The Language of God, he describes his transformation from atheism to belief. No soul in the scientific community would question his commitment to discover the limits of science and nature. He is as zealous as a scientist as Paul was a Pharisee. Once he realized that Spiritual Truth may exist and he had not explored it, he investigated. The Methodist minister he sought out gave him the classic work of C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity. A giant among thinkers, C.S. Lewis appealed to Collins based on a originally similar atheistic viewpoint. God revealed himself to Collins through someone significant to him. Collins found evidence of God everywhere once he ventured into a true pursuit of Him.

Over two thousand years ago, God chose to reveal himself to the thinkers of the day, the esteemed Magi. What a revelation it must have been for them to travel and visit an infamously heinous Herod, the so-called king of the Jews, and ask about the birth of a new king. That is confidence in God, my friends! God continues to seek out each one of us in unique ways. God called Abram out of comfortable paganism to become the father of his people and dwell in a tent. The patriarch of our faith was called out from a land of moon-worshipers. When God reveals himself, life indeed changes. God has revealed Himself to my searching heart in personal ways as well. He is so patient and gracious with every kernel of unbelief. As I seek His Truth, more is revealed. Perhaps that is the sureness of the Magi, as they traveled closer and closer toward the Promised King, directly through the evil of the day, following the star given to them.

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” – Jeremiah 29:13

The unspoken rule

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In times of deep snowfall, contemplations of life are ever-present.  Time seems to stand still amidst the beauty of the day.  In about six weeks, OB offices will be getting lots of phone calls.  Beware!!  In times like these, some conceive children, and I have conceived a new blog.  I have been writing about things dear to me over the past few months, mostly about my humble journey with the Lord.  I have considered these writings to be like a journal, private and personal.  However, I have become aware that while I live in the “Land of the Free”, I certainly do not act like I am free.  There is an unspoken rule that says we don’t bring up religion and we DO NOT say the word Jesus, as that is clearly narrow-minded.  I am routinely an active participant in such philosophies.  Routinely.  Well, friends, by buying into this cultural norm, I am indeed not free.  A gentle whisper is pushing me to break my routine and share my thoughts.  How could I not exercise this luxurious freedom when young women are horrifically abused around the world in efforts to be free?

I have dear friends whom I deeply respect that do not share my same worldview.  That is okay.  I am extremely grateful for this!  God is so amazingly multi-faceted that I cannot comprehend the depth of Him who is not limited by time or by my mind.  This blog is not a writing against my dear friends or colleagues in any way.  We have a mutual respect and admiration that goes beyond cyberspace and I pray that this in no way changes that truth.  I am simply writing about my own worldview.  That is all.  I am not a theologian, nor a writer, just a blonde, so proceed at your own risk.